Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
