Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
