As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
