I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
