do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
