When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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