So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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