I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
