My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
