I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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