So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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