they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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