Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
