i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
