she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
