So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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