Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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