I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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