i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
