i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
As shirtless as possible
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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