Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
