We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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