Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
