Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
