dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
