Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
