remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
