You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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