i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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