My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
