I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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