she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
