I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
