dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
