so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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