Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
