Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
