I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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