Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
