I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ambien. No doubt about it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
