Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
