I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
