I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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