He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
