the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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