my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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