I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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