3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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