oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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