Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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