Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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